Sisters and Brothers,
I am writing to you today, my family, in perfect love and perfect trust. As you may have observed I have been "away" for a while. The fact of the matter is that I needed to step back and begin the process of healing myself. Let me explain.
For many years I struggled with my drinking and the use of various drugs. It began when I was in college and continued through most of my adult life. The glow from a bottle of Jack Daniels and the warm rush produced by damn near any opiate based narcotic were the things that got me through long before the Goddess pulled me out of a hole and showed me the path I am on today.
In January 2006 I was able to walk away completely from all drugs and alcohol of any kind, and remained clean and sober for nearly a year and a half. By then I was steeped in the study of our Craft, and felt as though my "demons" were long behind me. The reality is I never really realized how close to me they were; waiting for an opportunity to take hold.
While the abuse of whiskey and narcotics never returned, my ego and lack of self awareness left the door open for my addiction to manifest itself. I had convinced myself that I was okay as long as I drank beer or wine in moderation, and I was able to do so for sometime. I could take or leave a drink whenever or wherever I wanted, and this only strengthened my resolve. The only drugs I used were those prescribed, and the occasional use of marijuana among friends. Like I said, I was convinced that whiskey and opiate based narcotics were my only problem.
Shortly after returning to Michigan after Samhain I began to use marijuana more frequently, and my consumption of wine steadily increased. I never gave it a second thought. That is not until I had spoke with a friend concerning her personal issue. It was that night that i started to hear a voice tell me that I needed to listen to myself. I may have had the right words for her, but it was I who needed to hear them and take heed. Unfortunately my ego won out over that moment of clarity and I was back to the business of doing what I honestly felt was okay for me to do, and I hit bottom three weeks later.
I went out with friends from high school on February 12th to see a classmate of ours who had been away for the last 20 years. We all met at a local bar, and for the first time in three years the uncontrollable urge took hold and the "good time Charlie" binge was on. I cannot tell you how much beer I drank, but I know it was a lot because my wallet was empty. I remember telling my friend that I was going to call a cab, but first we should go out and get high. With that we went out to my truck to smoke. Shortly after taking the first drag off my pipe, the cops came around the corner with all lights on me.
I was arrested for possession of marijuana and drug paraphanalia. There are no words that can properly describe the humiliation I felt, and still feel today. I was devastated as they cuffed me, and by the time they locked me in a filthy 5x7 cell I felt nothing but despair. In an instant I knew that I had let myself, my wife, the kids, and the rest of my family down, along with many others. While in that cell I did not sleep. I listened. I closed my eyes and listened to everything that was going on around me. Most importantly I listened to the voice inside of me that had been trying to break through the static for months.
By the time I got home the next day, my wife had my bags packed and waiting for me in the driveway. I knew it was coming, and even if she had not given me the boot, I knew that I was going to have to get out of the house and begin the healing and recovery process fast. I grabbed my things, told everyone I loved them, and went to my mother's to find the quiet that I would need in order to begin properly healing myself.
I called Caria and let her know, and I told her I would reach out as I saw fit to all of you within a few weeks. So here it is 17 days later, and I am well on my way to resuming a life sobriety. I only say "well on my way" because I had experienced a long perod of sobriety before, and I have been nothing short of brutally honest with myself with regards to why and how I relapsed. I am an Alcoholic and an Addict, period. There is no sugar coating it. I am all that I am, and my ability to stay sober lies in doing what must be done each and every day to stay clean.
I thought I had it beat. I thought I could drink a little and smoke a little here and there, and all would remain fine and in control. Unfortunately, that is not, and will never be the case for me. I will always be an Alcoholic and Addict. It is a fate that I have accepted.
Not all has been lost as a result of the recent weeks. I have been back home for a week with Jenny and the kids, and things are going well. My faith and resolve in the Goddess' ability to heal and guide me is stronger than ever, and I know that a completely clean and sober me is more valuable than I could ever imagine.
I am working on my sobriety daily with morning and evening meditations, daily recovery meetings, and I have also locked my ego away in a safe place and gotten myself a sponsor whom I can relate and comunicate daily with. I have also placed some postings here locally in hopes of bringing other local Pagans who are in recovery together to support one another. I know that this will be a lifelong process for me. I am still getting used to the idea that this is something that I just cant fix quickly, but then again I guess that's why I need only worry about taking it one day at a time.
I want you all to know that I love each of you, and I miss you terribly. Nothing would be more helpful than to have each of you close by right now. That being said, feel free to call me or shower me with emails. I have slowed my life down quite a bit, and nothing helps me more than openly communicating with others. I am looking forward to seeing you all again as soon as I am able.
I love you all very much, and I miss you.
Blessed Be,
Curran
